Time Travel Battle Royale

Time Travel Battle Royale is a What-If? Death Race by DBDoctor13 which sees four different time vehicles battling it out to determine which time machine is the best.

DESCRIPTION
It’s the Battle Royale Race of All-Time! The DeLorean vs The TARDIS, vs Bill & Ted’s Phone Booth, VS The Magic School Bus! Which one will come out on top?!

INTRO-1
''For the lessons you taught us, for the adventures you shared with us, for the experiences that enlightened us. We thank you.''

Joanna Cole

1944-2020

INTRO-2
RINGMASTER: Come one, come all to this incredibly special episode of Death Race where the only rules are be the first to cross the finish line by any means necessary! I’m your host, The Ringmaster, and today’s race will take place later and then! That’s right; today we’re pitting four time traveling vehicles against one another to see which vehicle will come out on top! Let’s meet the racers!

RINGMASTER: Its original engine for traversing time conceived on November 5th, 1955, the DeLorean Time Machine was finally completed by Doctor Emmett L. Brown on October 26th, 1985! Though this machine was built using one of the crappiest cars to have existed, Doc Brown more than made up for it by making this the most exciting time machine in film history. With 1.21 Gigawatts of Electricity, the moment this baby hits 88 Miles Per-Hour, you’ll be traveling through time and seeing some serious shit! Aside from the time-traveling capabilities, this thing comes complete with a hover conversion system allowing the DeLorean to soar to new heights!

RINGMASTER: From the distant planet of Gallifrey, we have The Doctor’s TARDIS from Doctor Who! A Type-42 Model, this seemingly ordinary Police Box is actually bigger on the inside than the outside! It can go anywhere in Time and Space, cannot be broken into without a proper key (most times anyway,) and despite being seemingly made out of wood, is actually extremely durable!

RINGMASTER: Across the pond, the TARDIS’s American Counterpart is the Time Traveling Phone Booth from Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure! Constructed in the year 2688, this phone booth comes complete with a literal phone-booth containing the combinations for any time period you wish to visit! It can also take you to heaven or hell depending on your preference and even travel into various pop culture universes to bring characters from those worlds in order to help put on an EXCELLENT Halloween Show… at least until 2013 and 2017.

RINGMASTER: And last but certainly not least we have The Magic School Bus! Driven by Valarie Frizzle and her sister Fiona, this seemingly ordinary 1970s Ward International R-183 School Bus is actually sentient and is capable of transforming itself into animals, spaceships, a desert jeep, a variety of planes, a race car, blimps, boats, submarines, and YES, even a Time Machine! How does it do it?! Who cares!! Time to get this show on the road, so let’s check in with Wiz and Boomstick!

WIZ: Thank you, Ringmaster, it’s an honor to oversee so many time-traveling vehicles as they race for the glory to the finish line.

BOOMSTICK: And I helped!

WIZ: Should I be concerned this time, Boomstick?

BOOMSTICK: Nope. In fact, I think you’ll be quite impressed with what I have to offer today!

WIZ: Then let’s check in with our racers!

DEATH RACE
(Cue Song: Time Track Turmoil by Brandon Yates)

We cut to the racetrack where we see the four time machines at the starting line.

WIZ: Let’s join our racers at the starting line.

BOOMSTICK: IT’S TIME FOR A DEATH RAAAAAACCCCCEEEEEEEE!!!!!!

The light changes to green as the four Time Traveling vehicles take off. They seem tied until the Magic School Bus takes the lead.

WIZ: It looks like The Magic School Bus has begun to edge out over our competitors.

BOOMSTICK: Probably because it’s made of magic, Wiz.

WIZ: Actually, it’s a combination of the Shrinkerscope and the Mesmerglober…

BOOMSTICK: It’s magic, Wiz. We don’t have to explain it.

Inside the TARDIS, we see the 13th Doctor flipping switches and dials.

13TH DOCTOR: C’mon, old girl!

Suddenly the various time machines disappear.

WIZ: What the hell?! Where’d they go?!

BOOMSTICK: I’m glad you asked, Wiz. See, I wanted to shake things up for this race, so I borrowed some of your equipment and created a rigging device to all the time machines allowing me to control where and when they end up in.

Boomstick holds up a device that seems to be haphazardly made of various pop culture items such as the Vortex Manipulator, the Sands of Time, Epoch from Chrono Trigger, The Omega 13 from Galaxy Quest, and the WABAC Machine from Peabody and Sherman. They also appear to be connected to a computer keyboard. All of which is thrown together with various wires, duct tape, and chewing gum.

WIZ: Do you even know how the hell that works?!

BOOMSTICK: Uhhh…. Oh look! Here comes the first time period now!

The Time Machines reappear in a jungle and barely manage to dodge a triceratops. Marty and Doc manage to knock the DeLorean into Bill and Ted’s Phone Booth causing them to crash into a Brachiosaurus.

BOOMSTICK: And we have our first victim in the form of the Wyld Stallyns. Tough luck, buddies! That truly was most bogus.

The other time machines begin to flash and indicate that they are ready to once again travel through time. As they fly over an ocean, when a Mosasaurus leaps out from under the water and swallows the racers whole.

BOOMSTICK (V.O.): Well, looks like they all just went extinct…

Suddenly, the Mosasaurus’ head explodes due to the vehicles time traveling at the same time.

BOOMSTICK (V.O.): …Or not.

The vehicles suddenly reappear in a Roman Colosseum during a chariot race. The Chariot racers take notice of the cars moving about them and begin throwing spears at the cars. One spear hits The DeLorean’s tire. This causes the car to wobble and eventually falls before crashing into a wall.

WIZ: Oh, and it looks like the DeLorean is out of the race as well.

Back to the two remaining time traveling vehicles, they disappear once more. We cut over to a futuristic space station in orbit as the Magic School Bus and the TARDIS begin circling the station.

WIZ: What better final opponents for the race than the two most educational vehicles in existence?

BOOMSTICK: And we only had to go to the far-future of 2000… I mean… 2015… uh… look, it’s the year 9,000,009! But, I’ve already got the blueprints for my latest plan which should come to fruition now!

Suddenly, a black hole opens beneath the two racers.

WIZ: A black hole! I’m surprised, Boomstick. I was thinking it was just going to be something like a really big gun.

BOOMSTICK: Well, Wiz… like my last ex-wife, it’s not the hole that matters! It’s what lies inside of it!

Suddenly, a giant mech resembling Boomstick rises out of the black hole. It has giant hand cannons, shoulder rockets, and a chainsaw tongue.

WIZ (Annoyed): Of course that’s what it is.

BOOMSTICK: HA! It only took me 8,997,989 Years from now! But it’s finally complete! The new Super Mecha Boomstick Alpha Omega Brewed Death Bot!

The Robot begins firing off its hand cannons and shoulder rockets. It extends its chainsaw tongue and begins firing eye lasers at the two time machines. Inside the Magic School Bus, we find Ms. Frizzle driving while the kids are sitting in the back. Arnold Perlstein looks miserable as always.

ARNOLD: We’re doomed!

MS. FRIZZLE: Not to worry, Arnold! As my sister Fiona Frizzle always likes to say; ‘Never get screwed when the going gets rough!’ Now Bus, do your stuff!

Suddenly, the Magic School Bus disappears accompanied by Ms. Frizzle’s laughing. Cutting back to Wiz and Boomstick, Boomstick looks shocked by this turn of events. Wiz doesn’t seemed surprised.

BOOMSTICK: What the-?!

WIZ: You said it was made of magic, Boomstick.

Back in the race, the TARDIS disappears. The Magic School Bus reappears in the present heading straight towards the finish line.

WIZ: It looks like the Magic School Bus is about to make it across the finish line unless…

Suddenly, the TARDIS materializes right in front of the Magic School Bus.

WIZ: The Doctor appears creating a whole new obstacle for the class of Walkerville Elementary School!

BOOMSTICK: Look out, Ms. Frizzle!

But it’s too late as the TARDIS collides with the School Bus, causing it to crash and begin to tip over. The TARDIS moves towards the finish line, but the Magic School Bus pops back up and somehow propels itself over the Finish Line before the TARDIS can cross it.

RINGMASTER: And the winner is the Magic School Bus!

RESULTS
BOOMSTICK: I assume you’re happy Wiz? The really smart ones survived this time!

WIZ: People still died, Boomstick.

BOOMSTICK: And we do that each week. Your point?

WIZ: … Fair enough.

RINGMASTER (Laughing): Well, that’s all the time we have for today! But come back next week for another exciting episode of DEATH RACE!!!

TRIVIA
This was originally meant to be DBDoctor13’s first Death Race Fanon Entry, but it was pushed back due to the sudden death of The Magic School Bus Creator Joanna Cole on July 12th, 2020. The Death Race is dedicated in her memory.

A unique twist for the battle involves Boomstick temporarily controlling when the Vehicles travel through time at least until Ms. Frizzle gets The School Bus to time travel by itself.

Ringmaster mentions Bill & Ted having a Halloween Show until 2013 and 2017. This is in reference to the live show known as Bill & Ted's Excellent Halloween Adventure which ran at Universal Studios Orlando and Hollywood during their annual Halloween Horror Nights Events. The show would feature Bill & Ted interacting and lampooning various aspects of pop culture during the year of the event. The Hollywood Show ended in 2013 while the Orlando Show would run for four more events until ending in 2017.